The Nigerian Wedding Ring Convention

My first ring confusion came during my engagement. On that romantic evening, the fine, gentleman went on one knee with a ring box in one hand and expressed all I meant to him without mincing words before ending with the famous question: would you marry me?  When I answered in the affirmative, he got the ring out of the box, held my hand and asked a second question "Where does it go?"

My heart skipped a beat. First, I wasn't too sure where the ring went. I hadn't expected the proposal and I certainly hadn't expected that second question otherwise I would have done my research. Even if I had expected the proposal, I would either have been too excited and forgot to find out for sure what finger gets the rock or I would have assumed that being the one who was proposing, he should know. I had to think fast. I didn't want to ruin the romantic moment. Also, it was a new relationship and I was still self conscious so I also didn't want him thinking what kind of a lady of marriageable age doesn't know where her engagement ring should go. If I had only known the kind of guy, I was about to marry, I would have saved myself the trouble of all the carefulness and self-consciousness. When I am not sure of a question, I employ the non-verbal means of answering and I think it is because I do not want my words to be used against me in the future. I pointed at my middle finger because I thought I had seen people wear it that way. In fact, I figured out that one way to tell if a woman was married on not, apart from looking at the ring itself was by what finger she was wearing it: engaged ladies wore theirs on their middle finger while married ladies wore theirs on the finger before the pinky finger.Years later, I realised only one finger is called the ring finger not two. Oblivious of the confusion going on in my head, he slid the ring where my gesture directed him and that was done with.

Alas! I went to work the following morning flashing my ring proudly until two colleagues told me I had it on the wrong finger. The male one said wearing it on the third finger made it looked like I was trying out my newly engaged friend's ring or that she had gone cheating and had given me her ring to keep for her. I looked at the left hand of the female colleague. She was wearing her engagement ring on her wedding ring on her next-to-little-finger (I am avoiding the temptation of saying fourth finger because some over-zealous perfectionists do not count the thumb as a finger and saying the third finger may make many people mistake it for the middle finger). It was easy to believe her because having being married for close to six years, she should know better. I didn't waste any time in putting it on the 'married women's finger'. Of course, I wasn't even sure in the first place.

Me flaunting my ring the next day (Sunday) after my engagement only for me to get to work the following day and get told I got the finger wrong.

Being observant isn't one of my strong qualities and I would have probably not noticed in what order anyone wore their rings no matter how long I lived but from that day on, I was looking at the left fingers of almost any lady I came across. First to see if they were married or engaged and then to see where they wore their engagement rings. Let's just say the mental statistics I took showed that it is the norm in Nigeria for ladies to wear their engagement ring on the middle finger. I am not condemning it or saying it is a sign of lack of exposure, I am just saying it is a sign of lack of exposure. I am just presenting facts as I have seen them. In fact, I think it is good for us to have a unique ring culture. We don't have to copy everything from the western countries. Apart from the Yorubas who wear engagement rings at their traditional weddings, I can't think of any other ethnic group in Nigeria that wear rings for their traditional weddings (I stand to be corrected) so it is bad enough that we have copied the ring culture but we can modify it to suit us. However, the only reason I could think of for why Nigerian ladies wear their engagement rings on the middle finger is because they don't want to be mistaken for married women. This is due to fear and uncertainty. We do believe and we have heard stories that confirm our belief that anything can still go wrong and the engagement called off before the actual wedding day. If that happens and you wore your ring on your marriage finger, you may have ruined your chances. It didn't matter that you took off the ring altogether after the messy break up. our belief which helps promotes morality and decency is: You are not his wife until he takes you to the altar and replaces your engagement ring with a wedding ring. A more religious view, which is related to the one above is linked to the trinity. It goes like this: in the name if the Father (thumb) and of the Son (index/pointer finger) and of the Holy Spirit  (middle finger) and it remains there until the marriage 'amens' (seals) the union, then it is transferred to the fourth finger. Quite logical!

Fast forward to the wedding, although my mum and many other women I know wear their engagement ring under the wedding ring, I purposed to wear mine in the reverse order. Not just because of Tammy (real name withheld) who corrected me but because prior to my engagement, I noticed another colleague of mine wore her rings in a different order from what I was used to and when I asked hey why, she told me that she tried it the Nigerian conventional way when they went ring shopping but the seller who looked like he knew a lot about rings didn't only tell her it was wrong. He actually eased the rings off her fingers, reversed them and slid them back on. She was convinced. And so I was.

We had bought the complete ring set that includes an engagement ring. At the point of purchase, I didn't see the need but I was thankful we did later on as a close family member of mine lost my engagement ring on the wedding day and I had never been a fan of wearing the wedding band alone. That was too old school and masculine for my kind of person. The second ring confusion came a day before the wedding as I thought about the events of the following day. What was I to do with my engagement ring? Should I keep it on and have hubby slid the sparkly, new wedding band on it? Do I wear it on my right ring finger and transfer it back on the way to the hotel home or do I take it off altogether? I went with the last thought and handed it over to a male family member to pocket it. Unfortunately, that was the last I saw of the lovely rock my true love got me to make a promise of marriage to me. I had no choice but to wear the fake engagement ring which came with the wedding ring set. This also made me realise too that most Nigerian women and indeed most women all over the world do not wear their real engagement ring once they get married. The reasons are not far-fetched. First, it could have been lost or misplaced like mine. Second, it may not be compatible with the wedding band. That couldn't have possibly happened in my case because I went shopping wearing my engagement ring and I tried several rings and picked one that went well with my engagement ring. This does happen when the rings were bought in the absence of the bride-to-be or she was too excited to remember just little details. The third reason some women do not wear their real engagement real after marriage is if they never really liked the engagement ring but only accepted it out of love for the giver. Finally, some older women like my mother-in-law believe that the wedding ring should completely replace the engagement ring. She keeps saying to me lovingly "My daughter, you are married, you are married. You do not need this engagement ring." A lot of things can be done with the real engagement ring if the woman doesn't want to wear it. It can be kept in a treasure box and shown to daughters and granddaughters as evidence of a love that once was young, warm and passionate but now is old, grey and cold. I have also noticed  a trend in Nigeria where ladies use the real engagement ring as a pendant for their necklaces while they wear the fake one with the wedding band on the ring finger. It should be the other way round, if you ask me.

Hubby slid the wedding band on my finger and I topped it with the fake engagement ring on the way to the hotel as against the conventional order of wearing the engagement ring first and the wedding ring on top in Nigeria. I have worn them in the unconventional order since my wedding in spite of curious looks when other women notice my finger. It takes courage to do the unconventional. I do get tired of explaining to people who ask why I wear them in that order though. One day, I tried to wear them the conventional way just to get a feel of it but I couldn't keep them on  that way for too long. For one, it felt awkward because I wasn't used to it. Secondly, it just looked better to me with the dazzling stone on top. None of these conventions is wrong. I have simply looked into both and gone with the one that appealed to my emotional personality. The rationale behind the Nigerian convention is that of timing. We believe that you are engaged first before you are married and the rings should reflect that order. Good thinking!  Only one Nigerian woman gave me a different reason. She believed in having the engagement ring on top but hers was too big so she wore her fitted wedding band on top to trap it in and prevent it from falling. The other convention which is common in western countries particularly in the U.S is based on a number of superstitious beliefs. First is that it is okay to take off the engagement ring but back luck awaits the marriage or spouse of anyone who takes off her wedding ring. So on the wedding day, the engagement ring is taken off and moved to another finger of the left hand or to the right hand so that the groom can easily put the wedding ring on the ring finger. After the wedding, because it is bad luck to remove the wedding ring, put the engagement ring under and top it up with the wedding ring, they would just move the engagement ring from the right hand or the other finger on the left hand and place it on the wedding band. However, this wasn't the one which appealed to me. Another reason is the belief that the marriage is more important than the engagement so the wedding ring should come first before the engagement ring is placed on top. This one got me! Lastly, the ancient Egyptian belief of a vena amoris (vein of love) is the reason why we wear love rings (engagement or wedding) on the fourth finger (I finally said it) anyway even long after this belief has been proven wrong by anatomists and physiologists. The idea here is that the wedding ring which is more of a symbol of love than an engagement ring should be the one worn closest to your knuckles and hence closer to your heart. There you go! Three to one. I have taken my pick. Be entirely free to go in the opposite direction of me, that is if you are by some miracle still reading this 'dissertation.'